


Shattered Illusions

by Queen_of_the_Crows



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Broken Hearts, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 20:30:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17925836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_of_the_Crows/pseuds/Queen_of_the_Crows
Summary: Short one off written because I just went through something similar and i needed  way to get it out and the words are basically what was said to me. I always compared our relationship dynamic to Clea and Zevran so that's how this was born. A budding relationship, ended by fear





	Shattered Illusions

The firelight danced off Clea’s ebony hair as she sat carefully sharpening her arrows on a whetstone. Her eyes reflected preternaturally, more so than normal for elves that is. Mina sat across from her, her own eyes wandering from Clea’s face to watching Alistair train with sword and shield against Sten.   
“I didn’t know I was boring you already.” Clea teased lightly as she caught her friend’s deep blue gaze once again drawn to their fellow warden.  
“You’re not, I’m sorry. My mind is elsewhere.”  
“I can see that.” Clea inspected her final arrow before replacing it in her quiver and storing her whetstone.   
“He’s different than anyone I’ve ever met before.” Mina mused quietly, more to herself than to Clea but she heard her anyway.   
“You’re right about that.” Clea Mahariel could understand why someone would be attracted to Alistair, he was handsome and charming, but she herself didn’t see him that way. She felt her own bright green eyes briefly drawn to Zevran’s tent, a strange thing made entirely of black leathers and wools. He was gone for a time, had left on a walk a couple hours ago and had yet to return. She shook her head trying to clear her thoughts but still saw his face and heard his laugh as he told her the story of one his weirder assassinations. The corner of her mouth turned up just a bit as thought back to it.  
Mina gave her a quizzical look, her brow furrowed as she noticed the elf’s smile. “That good is it?” She laughed.  
The look that Clea gave her could have frozen her solid before she laughed herself. “Not what I was thinking about but yes.”  
“Speak of the devil.” Mina said nodding her head towards the road. Clea turned and saw their would be assassin ambling casually back into camp. She never thought he was going to disappear on them, not after the first couple weeks but she was still always a bit relieved to see him return to camp anytime he went off on his own, which lately has been more and more often.   
“He’s coming this way.” Mina volunteered again even though Clea still watched his approach.   
“My dear Clea, can we speak alone?” Zevran asked once he reached the fire of the main camp. It was never simply ‘my dear warden’ if both women were together, too confusing.   
“Of course.” Clea stood, the dark green cloak she wore sweeping to the ground behind her. The look on Zevran’s face was not lost on her but she could not place what it was.   
Zevran said no more as he gestured for her to walk beside him as he once again moved away from the camp towards a trail in the trees this time instead of the road. They walked in silence for a time, the only sound being the soft padding of their boots on the ground barely audible except to trained ears.  
“Clea, how is it that you even like me at all? And I don't mean as a friend of course.” The Antivan finally managed sounding slightly casual but Clea could still hear the weight behind his words.   
“What sort of question is that?” Clea’s black brow furrowed, not understanding.   
“Please just answer, it’s important.” Zevran’s voice was so solemn she couldn’t help the lump that formed in her throat.  
“I like you because you understand me, you’re funny, charming, clever, and smart. Not to mention of course handsome and talented in bed.” She teased the last part, running her fingers through his hair. He allowed it but made no move to continue anything else.   
“And I don’t understand why. I haven’t treated you well, not like I think you deserve. I don’t deserve you. Don’t argue with me, I know you’re going to and I know what you’re going to say.”  
“I highly doubt that. And for the record you haven’t treated me poorly and you’ve done nothing to not deserve me. Anyone can deserve anyone if they want it, saying otherwise is bullshit.”  
“Don’t Clea, please just don’t.” Zevran shook his head as if to dispel her words. “I already knew you would say that”  
“I don’t understand where you’re coming from or what’s going on. Things have been fine.”  
“You’re right, they have. Better than fine even. But I didn’t want this and I’m not prepared for where this seems to be going. That shouldn’t come as a surprise.” He couldn’t look at her, instead finding something more fascinating among the trees surrounding them.  
“You make it seem as if I’ve asked you for something more than what we already have and we both know I haven’t asked you for a thing.” Clea’s voice was hard, argumentative, far from the free, coy, and sarcastic tone she usually kept.   
“I know you haven’t asked for anything but you will, eventually. And I don’t want that, I’m not ready for it. This fell in my lap and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t give you something like Mina and Alistair have. That isn’t me.” He adjusted his belt and the dagger that hung there, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin.   
“Mina and Alistair? I don’t want that, you should know better than that, should know me better than that.”   
“I do know you dear Clea, I do. Maybe better than you do, at least in this. Your eyes, bright and beautiful as they are, don’t hide anything from me.” At this Zevran couldn’t help but stop and raise a hand to her cheek, gently tracing his thumb over the golden vallaslin that marked her as an adult Dalish. He had always secretly enjoyed the contrast of the gold against her green eyes, it was something he had never shared with her and wouldn’t dare speak of now. He dropped his hand and once again pulled his dark eyes from hers.   
“You think you know so much but you don’t. You’re so closed off and you push everyone away from you. You can’t handle the thought that someone might genuinely care for you, despite what you’ve done so you don’t let anyone in, not ever. You haven’t even given me a chance to be anything beyond someone who warms your bed at night, you’re too afraid of what that could mean.” Clea stopped and grabbed his arm in her anger and wiped him around to face her, she wasn’t going to let him off so easy or let him avoid her.   
“I have tried, believe me I have. I wanted to try something different with you, see if it was possible. I tried but I can’t do it.”  
“All you have to do is take my hand and be willing to really try, I do want to be with you.” Her voice was gentle, trying something else instead appealing to any part of him that may care for you.  
“I don’t doubt that you want to be with me. I haven’t for weeks. I’ve noticed the change in us, I am a skilled assassin and that requires a good eye for people and behavior. I know what you want, that isn’t the issue. But I don’t want what you want, I’m not ready for that.”  
“You’re a coward.” Clea all but spit that last word as tears welled into her eyes unbidden. She couldn’t help them falling down her cheeks and no longer cared if he noticed.  
She saw the hurt in Zevran’s own eyes as he saw the pain he was causing her, the exact thing he was trying to avoid. “Clea believe me that I never wanted to hurt you or cause you any pain. I also never wanted to waste your time or your feelings.”  
“An easy solution would be to not do this then if you didn’t want to hurt me.” She crossed her arms over her chest.  
The sigh that escaped the Antivan’s mouth was a tired and broken sound. “I can’t. Clea I’m truly very sorry. You deserve better than me.”   
Without giving her a chance to protest, he quickly closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms and gave her one last deep kiss trying to ignore the taste of salt on her lips. He held the kiss as long as he dared, savoring the soft feel of her lips against his, a feeling that he felt he didn’t deserve even now as he stole a final kiss from the woman he dared not love.   
“I’m sorry.” He said once more as he stroked her cheek before he turned and all but ran back towards camp.   
Only once he was gone did Clea Mahariel allow herself to break down and sink to the forest floor. She leaned her head against a tree truck and allowed herself to fully cry, something she hadn’t allowed herself since Tamlen died. It wasn’t until this moment that she realized the true extent of her feelings for Zevran. She loved him, she couldn’t deny it to herself any longer. He ripped her heart from her chest and she felt the stab of every word he said, of that last kiss he stole from her.   
Clea’s chest ached from shaking and holding back sobs and her eyes burned from all the tears she shed for him, for what she had lost without even knowing until this moment it was what she wanted. She didn’t care that her gauntlets were wet from rubbing her face or that dirt and leaves now clung to her cloak from where she sat on the ground. She didn’t care about anything in that moment, it was as if time stood still in the worst way. She knew that he still wouldn’t leave their small band of misfits but was almost wondering if it would be easier if he did. She found herself wishing that she had brought her bow so she could blow off some steam but instead she pulled her dagger from her thigh holster instead and hurled at a tree not far in front of her. The blade landed with a loud and satisfying twunk. It didn’t help remove any of her pain though.   
After another few moments she stood and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. It was by sheer will power alone that she managed not to cry as she walked back to camp after she removed her knife from the tree and replaced it.   
Mina Cousland stood instantly from her spot at the fire as soon as she saw Clea emerge from the treeline and amble back towards camp. Zevran she noticed was now playing cards with Alistair, Oghren, and Wynne off to the side where the smoke from the fire wasn’t being blown in their direction. He looked up briefly as she approached the fire but just as quickly looked away with what almost resembled shame on his face, something that is rarely seen on him.   
“Clea what happened?” Mina never missed a beat. If she wasn’t such a good warrior, she’d make quite the rogue herself.   
“Not now Mina, please.” Clea just shook her head, some of her dark hair falling into her face that was she was quick to push back behind her shoulders. “Not tonight.” She said no more as she brushed past Mina and her concern and walked to the outskirts of the camp where Morrigan always set up and just sat down beside her at the fire. She knew Morrigan wouldn’t press her about her sad mood and it was as far from Zevran as she could get while remaining in camp. She found her eyes drawn to him despite it all and found him watching her although he quickly tore his eyes away once she caught them. She felt the tears prick her eyes and she let them fall silently down her cheeks as she took comfort in her friend’s silent company.


End file.
